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Much Ado About Ninjas

Cast

Jim
Carl
Kimmy
Mary
Dr. Stewart
Ninjas
Cop
Tanya

Script

Scene begins in a typical basement. You know. Where pot heads hang out.

Jim: You know my son turned ten just the other day.

Carl: You don’t have a son.

Jim: And the cat’s in the cradle, and the silver spoon. Little Boy Blue, and the man in the moon.

Carl: What? Are you insane?

Jim: When you comin’ home son, I don’t know when. We’ll get together then. You know we’ll have a good time then.

Carl: Right… Are you gonna’ eat that?

Jim: Yes. Get your own damn food, damn it. Damn it all to hell.

Carl: And back.

Jim: Twice.

Carl: With a side order of fries.

Jim: Boo yah!

Carl: Boo yah, elderly person of the female persuasion.

Jim: Yeah, cuz when a problem comes along, you must whip it.

Carl: Before the cream sits out too long, you must whip it.

Jim: When a good time comes around, you must whip it.

Carl: You will never live it down, unless you whip it.

Jim: I say whip it.

Carl: Whip it good.

Jim: Are we doing anything?

Carl: No. No we are not.

Jim: Gotcha’.

Insert silent period of nothing.

Jim: Should we do something?

Carl: Are you accusing a Shogun warrior of being lazy?

Jim: No. I’m accusing you.

Carl: Oh. Well then. That’s that I suppose. Okay, what do you want to do?

Jim: Ummm… eat some pudding?

Carl: Good answer. But we’re all out of pudding.

Jim: I guess we should go to the store and buy some then.

Carl: Yep. We probably should. Go buy some pudding. At the store.

End Scene

 

Next Scene baby. Yeah. At a store. Whoot!

The door opens and Jim & Carl burst into the store.

Carl: Quick! To the pudding section!

Jim: SPOON!!!

They run franticly to the back of the store.

Jim: What’s this? They seem to be out of pudding here too.

Carl: What?!? No pudding. WHERE IS ALL THE PUDDING?!?

A person dressed in a ninja outfit, with a sword jumps out from behind a shelf.

Ninja: Ha hah. I have stolen your convenience store pudding. Ha hah.

Jim: That, sir, is a disgrace to pudding lovers everywhere.

Carl: Tell us what you have done with the pudding or we shall be forced to hurt you.

A bunch of other ninjas jump out

Ninja: Ha hah. My army of super ninjas will stop you.

Carl: Super ninjas. Oh no! What will we do?

Jim: Only one thing to do chum, scream like little girls then beat some hinnies.

Both start to scream like little girls, then a fight scene ensues. Jim & Carl emerge victorious.

Jim is holding a ninja.

Jim: Where is the pudding. Talk to me punk!

Ninja: Never.

Carl: We’ll torture you.

Ninja: Does not matter.

Jim: We’ll humiliate you in front of friends and family.

Ninja: Like I care.

Carl: We’ll force you to ride public transit.

Ninja: No. Anything but that. I’ll talk. All the pudding… it’s all… at…

The ninja is hit in the head with a can of creamed corn.

Jim: No! We almost had it. Follow that guy!

They chase an anonymous man out of the store.

End scene you dirty freak.

 

Next scene. No there’s no hookers! Well, maybe in the background.

Jim and Carl are chasing the anonymous man down the street. They run by some moderately attractive girl. Jim stops.

Jim: Hey there. What say you and me go have sex?

Girl: No thanks. I find you rude and unattractive.

Jim: Darn. Okay. Bye bye then.

Jim starts to run again, and the camera pans on him. He runs past Carl who is leaning on something and gasping for air. Jim runs backwards to Carl.

Jim: Come on. He’s getting away!

Carl: I can’t run anymore. Go on. Save yourself.

Jim: No! I won’t leave you behind!

Carl: It doesn’t matter anyway. We’re not being chased by anybody.

Jim: Oh right. If only I had a license. Wait, you have one, don’t you?

Carl: Yeah, but it’s a learner’s.

Jim: So?

Carl: I need to be with someone who’s 18 and has a license of their own.

Jim: I’m younger and don’t have one, does that count?

Carl: No. I’m afraid it does not count.

Jim: Well then… maybe we won’t drive after him.

Carl: It doesn’t matter. He’s gone anyway.

Jim: Well ain’t that a kick in the left testicle?

Carl: No, not really.

Jim: But I like pudding.

End the scene or be pushed into a giant vat of tuna. Actually that wouldn’t be all that bad.

 

Next Scene. Setting…. That basement from before.

Carl: Well. That got us nowhere.

Jim: This is true. We are exactly where we started, in a literal and metaphorical sense of the term.

Carl: So what can we do?

Jim: We could do some first class detective work.

Carl: Right. We just need a intelligent computer-like person.

Jim: A person with vast knowledge of all things, causing their knowledge to be great, and large, making them possess understanding of many things, and a knowing of things we do not know, because they know, because they are intelligent and we are not quite as intelligent as them, because they are smarter. Ha.

Carl: You’re not allowed to watch Speed Racer anymore.

Jim: But it’s so much fun.

Carl: No. So who do we know that would be smart?

Jim: I know somebody. She’s both smart and gorgeous.

Carl: No. Damn it Jim. I’m a doctor, not a rodeo clown… I mean; Damn it Jim. You’re not going to get her.

Jim: But we’re so compatible. Her hair is brown and mine is blond. They both start with a B. And who's Jim?

Carl: You are.

Jim: Oh, that’s right.

Carl: How about that super bat computer?

Jim: Oh sure. We could use that. If it was real.

Carl: Oh yeah. The fact that it’s entirely fictional could be a drawback.

Jim: Why don’t we just use our own brains?

Carl: Yeah. We’re smart enough.

Off camera voice: Cue sound of impending doom!

Carl: Hey.

Jim: Okay, we can use the computer upstairs.

End this scene before you fall prey to a spooky vampire. Ooooo… Scary.

 

Next scene biatch. I didn’t say that already, did I?

Jim and Carl are working on a computer

Jim: Wow. Nice computer you’ve got.

Carl: It’s not my computer.

Jim: Then why is it in your house?

Carl: I thought this was your house.

Jim: It’s not my house.

Carl: It’s still not my house.

Jim: Well if it’s not my house, and it’s not your house, who’s house is it?

Mary walks into the room. She smiles and leans over the two.

Mary: Hey guys. What are you doing?

Jim: Is this your house?

Mary: No.

Carl: Then who’s house is it, and what are we doing inside it?!?

Mary: Have you two been smoking pot again?

Carl: No. We don’t do stuff like that… heh heh heh…

Mary: Right.

Jim: We’re just looking for pudding. Somebody stole it all, but we couldn’t catch him.

Carl: We were too tired from fighting the ninjas.

Mary: Are you sure you aren’t stoned?

Jim: Pretty sure.

Carl: You want to go get us some sandwiches?

Mary: No.

Jim: Ass.

Carl: Titties.

Jim & Carl: Ass and titties.

Jim: Ass. Ass.

Carl: Titties. Titties.

Jim & Carl: Ass and titties.

Mary: Alright then! I’ll get your damn sandwiches, just don’t sing that stupid song!

Mary storms out of the room.

Carl: Okay.

Jim: Alright. Ask Jeeves. Where can I find pudding stealing ninja clans?

Carl: Oh. Look at that. There’s one down town.

Jim: Huh.

Carl: Yep.

Mary walks into the room with a plate of sandwiches.

Jim: LET’S GO!

Jim and Carl run out of the room franticly.

Mary: Don’t you want your sandwiches?

End of this scene. Hey, why didn’t Tarzan have a beard?

 

Newt scene… okay, there’s no newts.

Shot of the two running, and looking tired. Then the camera zooms out and they are only a few feet from the house. Carl falls over.

Jim: You have got to lay off the doughnuts.

Carl: You can’t run very much farther than I can.

Jim: Says you.

Carl: Yes, actually, I did say that.

Mary walks out of the house with the plate of sandwiches. She bends down by Carl.

Mary: Here, have a sandwich. Do you two want me to drive you to, where ever it is you’re going?

Carl: Yes we would.

Jim runs over to a car and jumps in it.

Jim: BOOK IT!

Mary: That’s not my car.

Jim: I knew that… I was testing you.

End of this short scene.

 

Start of another short scene.

Jim and Carl are getting out of Mary’s car, at the ninja’s house.

Carl: Thanks for the ride.

Jim: See you around sweet cheeks, and I’m not talking about your face.

Carl: That was a good one.

Mary: Yeah. Good one. Should I wait for you guys, or not?

Jim: We’ll be fine.

Jim and Carl walk up to the house as Mary drives away.

Carl: Hey look. There’s a note on the door.

Jim: Read it.

Carl: You’re better at reading.

Jim: Fine. Give me that. It says “We have gone out for groceries, and are not home. If we were home we would answer the door, but we aren’t so we won’t. Please come back at a later time to see if we are home then, and can therefor answer the door.”

Carl: So now we go to the grocery store?

Jim: Yep. Hey, where’s Mary?

Carl: She drove away.

Pause.

The two run after her down the street, shouting.

End yet another pointless scene, in a pointless movie, about some pointless lives.

 

The next scene. This one is cool. Really.

Jim and Carl get out of Mary’s car yet again, but this time in front of Over Weightie.

Mary: Should I wait this time?

Jim: Maybe you should come in with us.

Carl: Why? We don’t need a baby sitter.

Jim: She could show some leg to distract the ninja’s.

Carl: Ooo… Nice idea.

Jim: Thank you.

Carl: You’re welcome.

Mary: How about if I wait out here?

Jim: I suppose we could do that too.

Jim and Carl enter the store and begin to walk around. They stop at the grapes.

Carl: You know, it’s okay to eat these.

Jim: No it’s not. You’re not supposed to eat anything, unless you buy it.

Carl: Oh come on… a grape won’t kill you. Nobody will notice.

Jim: I don’t want a grape.

Carl picks up a grape and waves it in front of Jim.

Carl: You don’t want a luscious grape?

Jim: No.

Carl: It’s juicy and tender.

Jim: I don’t care.

There’s a moment of silence, then Carl tries to force the grape on him.

Carl: Eat the grape, come on. Eat it.

Jim: No. No. Get it away from me. I don’t want…

Carl forces the grape into Jim’s mouth and starts to make Jim chew.

A store clerk comes out from behind some fruit and sees them.

Clerk: Hey! You can’t just steal grapes like that!

Jim: I told you.

Carl: Shut up.

Jim and Carl begin to run away, and as they turn the corner, they run into the ninja’s and their grocery cart. They fall down on their bums. The ninjas look at them menacingly. Clerk runs around the corner behind them, and screeches to a halt. As he sees the ninjas a slight look of fear overcomes him. He backs up.

Clerk: I’ll… just… leave you alone.

The store clerk runs away, and Jim and Carl stand up.

Carl: Well, well, well. Just the people we were looking for.

Jim: We know all about your plan to steal all the pudding on the Earth, thus causing men to become impotent, forcing them to come to you for pudding, and therefore making you the rulers of the world.

Ninja #1: Maybe we just like pudding.

Ninja #2: Yeah. Maybe we’re gonna’ have a pudding party.

Jim: Well that’s reasonable.

Carl: Maybe we should let them off the hook.

Ninja #3: Yeah, because we just like stealing pudding from everywhere in the world thus causing men to become impotent and eventually placing use as their leaders…

All the other ninjas stare at him angrily.

Ninja #3: What?

Carl: Well, okay then. I guess we’ll just… HEY! WAIT! We came here for pudding!

Commence with another karate fighting battle. This one ends poorly for Jim and Carl, because there are more ninjas than last time. They end up in a dumpster.

Carl: Well that just sucked.

Jim: Indeed it did, you guy. Indeed it did.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, end this scene.

This script will self destruct in five seconds.

 

Okay I lied. We’ll just go to the next scene.

Jim and Carl and Mary are sitting back in the computer room.

Jim: Take a piece of bread. Put it in the slot. Push down the lever, and the wires get hot. I get toast.

Carl: I could use some toast.

Mary: Well I'm not making you any. What time is it.

Jim looks at his watch: The big hand is on the 2 and the little hand is on the 6.

Mary: I thought you had a digital watch.

Jim: I do.

Mary looks confused, and then leaves.

Carl: Well this is just great. How the hell do we defeat more than three ninjas?

Jim: I've got it! Weapons.

Carl: I have a stick.

Jim: And I have a plunger!

Carl: LET'S GO!

End this scene because of.... that thing. You know. That thing!

 

The scene below this is short on, but it's here.

Jim and Carl, compleat with stick and plunger, rush into the grocery store.

Jim: Where are those ninjas!

Clerk: They left.

Carl: Dang. Can we have some gum then?

Clerk: No.

End this short scene that I put in because I like chicken.

 

Start the next scene or I will cry.

Jim and Carl are sitting in the "mall."

Carl: We'll never find those ninjas.

Jim: Yeah. They aren't at home, not at the grocery store, not anywhere.

Carl: Oh there they are. At the bank.

Jim: Oh.

Pause

Both: Let's get 'em!!!

Jim and Carl both run towards the bank yelling. They promptly run into the glass doors.

Jim: Stupid glass.

Carl: Quick. Open the door!

Jim opens the door: After you.

Carl: Thank you kindly.

The two enter and stand heroicly.

Carl: Stop right there, ninjas!

Ninja: Oh no. They have a plunger and a stick! Quick. Bring out the secret weapon.

The ninjas part and an incredably cute girl steps out from behind them. Cute like a bunny.

Kimmy: Hi boys.

Jim: Oh. My. God. She is so cute.

Carl: Widdle cuite pie.

Jim: Who's a cutie? You are. Yes you are.

Both of them continue repeating how cute she is. Like a fuzzy soft baby chicken.

Kimmy: Dang it. My plan to be sexy and seduce them isn't working.

Ninja: Who cares? You're distracting them aren't you?

The ninjas sneek out as Jim and Carl treat Kimmy like a puppy, or maybe a fuzzy wuzzy kitten. Awww....

End scene. That's right. No cheaky remark here. Just a straight end scene. That's it.

 

Time for a jolly good next scene, what?

Kimmy is walking down the street. Jim and Carl are following her saying things like; "Widdle cutie wootie want a wowwie pop?" and "Idda' biddy boo." She looks annoyed. They walk past Mary, who's just leaving her house.

Mary: What the Hell are you doing?

Carl: Following her.

Mary: Why?

Jim: Look at her.

Carl: She's a cutie pie.

Kimmy: Argh! Stop saying that! I was trying to be sexy!

Jim: Awww.... that is so cute.

Carl: How does she do that?

Mary: You two are insane.

Jim: But she's so cute!

Kimmy: Cut it out.

Jim: Uh oh. She's a little cranky wanky.

Carl: She just needs her juice.

Jim and Carl run inside the house, giggling. The emerge with juice boxes.

Jim: Here woo go.

Carl: Drink your juice.

Kimmy: I don't want it.

Jim: Okay. We won't force you.

Carl: We want you to be your own person.

Jim and Carl drink their juicey woosie. Awww....

Carl: Yummers.

Mary: Look you guys. This is obviously a plot by the ninjas to distract you. And I'm guessing it worked.

Jim: No! She can't be evil.

Carl: She's so cute!

Mary: That's it. We're going to the petting zoo.

Jim and Carl: Horray!

Kimmy: Can I come with?

End this scene without the answer. We'll assume it's yes.

 

Next scene, sans cuite pootie... oooo....

On the street, near the library.

Mary: It's a good thing we lost ner at that petting zoo.

Jim: But she was so cute.

Carl: Cute like a baby bumble bee.

Jim: Bees aren't cute.

Carl: The animals at the petting zoo were cute.

Mary: So. Are you two still trying to stop those ninjas.

Carl: Oh right. I forgot about those.

Jim: But we don't know how to defeat the ninjas.

Carl: You're right! Let's go somewhere that has the type of knowledge needed to defeat ninjas.

Jim: TO THE LIBRARY!

Jim and Carl run off to the library. Mary watches, shakes her head, and slowly follows after them.

End scene before your mercury fillings kill you.

 

Next scene. Ain't it a buet? Crikey.

In the library Jim, Carl, and Mary are sitting in the Reading Lounge. Jim & Carl are pouring over a big book.

Mary: How is reading a book going to teach you martial arts?

Jim: We're not reading books to learn martial arts. We're reading books to learn how to defeat ninjas.

Carl: Reading? I thought we were just looking at pictures.

Jim and Mary stare blankly at Carl for awhile.

Jim: Look here. It says we can distract the ninjas by playing Kung Foo Fighting.

Carl: Geez. We should have thought of that.

Mary: What do you do after you distract them?

Jim: Mase 'em 'til they give up.

Carl: Let's go get our supplies then!

Mary: How, exactley, are you going to get the ninjas some place where you can distract them?

Carl: We'll just call them and ask them to come.

Jim: But we don't know their phone number.

Kimmy walks out from behind the book shelve/case/thingie: I do.

Carl and Jim both begin with the exclaiming of her incredable cuteness.

Kimmy: Stop it, or I'm leaving.

Carl and Jim imediately shut up.

Kimmy: Good. Now let's get phoning.

End this scene, without throwing garbage. Because throwing garbage is bad.

 

Next scene. I'll give you a twenty second head start.

Ninjas and main characters are standing in a westernesque type showdown. Jim begins to make with the showdown music.

Carl: Shush.

Jim looks shamed. Camera pans back to ninjas, and they notice the nifty keen girl. You know.

Ninja: You! Ultimate weapon! You have betrayed us! Why?

Kimmy: I did it for love.

Ninja: Love? Love of who?

Kimmy: That's non of your business!

Jim: Oooo.... She has a crush. A crush on, you!

Jim points dramaticaly to Carl.

Kimmy: Yes, actually. I do.

Jim: Really? Dang.

Carl throws his arms in the air: BOO YAH!

Mary: Look. We aren't here to act like lovestruck teenagers.

Carl: But we are lovestruck teenagers.

Jim: Quiet you.

Ninja: So..... ummm..... Why are we here?

Carl: Oh right. Play the music.

Kimmy put's down her sterio thing and pushes play. Kung Foo Fighting begins. The ninjas look around for the Wooooahhh... part, then the good part starts, and the ninjas kick it. Old Skool.

Mary: Alright boys. Let's get 'em.

The hero type guys of this movie begin to mase the ninjas and they start screaming and falling and rolling around.

Ninja: Okay. We give. Cut it out. Turn off that bitchin' music.

Jim: No. I like the music.

Jim starts to dance, poorly.

Carl: Stop that.

Mary: Don't you want to ask the ninjas something?

Jim: Oh yeah. Where's the pudding, punks?

Ninjas: It's in the kitchen. Third cuboard after the fridge.

Narrator: And so Jim and Carl saved the day and returned the pudding. And there was a great celebration in their honor, with free beer, even though they were underage. And the people loved them and gave Jim and Carl money and Kraft Dinner.

Mary: Hey. What about us?

Kimmy: Yeah. We helped too.

Narrator: Girls don't count.

Mary and Kimmy run off camera and there are the sounds of them kicking the narrator's ass. The camera moves to Jim and Carl.

Carl: Now let's find out who these ninjas really are.

Jim pulls off the ninjas leader's mask.

Jim: It's Dr. Stewart. I kicked him in the shin when I was five.

Carl: What about the other ninjas?

Jim: Who cares?

Dr. Stewart: I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you medling kids.

Cop: Well thanks you guys. The world is a safer and more puddingsome place now.

The crowd chears. Kimmy runs up to Carl and they start kissing, pasionatly. Mary runs up to Jim.

Jim: Oh yeah baby.

Mary: Excuse me.

She pushes Jim aside and goes to Dr. Stewart. The girl who Jim will never get runs up to him.

Jim: Finally. The love of my life. My dear sweet, honey mustard dipping sause. You've realized that I'm boyfriend material.

Tanya: Actually, I just wanted some pudding.

She walks past Jim and picks up some pudding from a guy behind him.

Jim: Fuck! I'm always getting it the pants!

Another woman who is just there taps him on the shoulder. Jim looks over at her, then looks coy, then pounces.

End.