INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
TWITCH is watching television intently and SLAB walks out and sits down on the couch. Slab opens a can of drinkable fluid. Something on the program explodes. Twitch gets closer.
TWITCH
Ooo... Things go boom.
SLAB
Yes. I would have to say things do go boom.
TIWTCH
And the colours are pretty.
Twitch pushes his face against the screen.
SLAB
Say... We could make a movie.
TWITCH (excited)
Can we have explosions? And guns? And scantly clad women? And beef jerky?
SLAB
Maybe we can. It all depends.
Slab slowly takes a sip of his beverage. Shot moves to a close up of Twitch. He blinks once. Twice.
TWITCH
Let's do it!!
They stare each other directly in the eye, as BUFFY comes out of a nearby closet.
BUFFY
Hey guys, keep it down. I'm working.
Slab and Twitch turn to Buffy. Twitch perks up.
TWITCH
But we're gonna make a movie!
SLAB
Yes. We are.
Buffy walks around and takes a seat next to Slab.
BUFFY
Oh yeah? What's it about?
Silence, as Slab and Twitch both stare at Buffy. Twitch twitches a couple times.
BUFFY
So you guys don't have any ideas?
TWITCH
There'll be explosions.
SLAB
And women. Probably.
TWITCH
And… and… and… uhh…
Twitch twitches some more, and then falls over suddenly. The others take little notice of this.
BUFFY
Look, I’m a film critic, so I know what’s good or bad. I’ll help you with a…
SLAB
Aren’t critics just people who couldn’t make it as writers?
This shuts Buffy up. He stares for a few seconds.
BUFFY
Shut up.
SLAB
All right.
Silence falls again as they watch TV. Slab sips his drink. This last for about 20 seconds, then Twitch springs up.
TWITCH
Let’s go!
Cut to:
INT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE – NOONISH
Slab, Twitch, and Buffy walk down the yard.
TWITCH
So we’ll need a camera and lights, and actors, and…
They stop by Buffy’s car as Twitch continues his rambling.
BUFFY
Well I’m off to work. I’ll see you guys later.
Buffy gets in his car and drives off, as the other two wave bye.
SLAB
So let’s get going.
TWITCH
Yeah, all right.
Twitch and Slab stand still for 10 seconds.
SLAB
I should get a camera
Slab goes inside while Twitch waits for a minute. Slab comes back out with his camera and stands beside Twitch. Silence for 10 seconds.
TWITCH
Right. Let’s go.
Twitch and Slab exit. Stage right.
Cut to:
INT. STREET – SUBURBAN AREA – AFTERNOON
Slab and Twitch stroll along. Slab has his camera.
TWITCH
So how do we go about starting this thing?
SLAB
Well, we’ll need an idea. And hot pants.
TWITCH
Hot pants? Why would we need hot pants?
SLAB
They’re popular in Japan.
Twitch stumbles, but quickly regains his balance. He bends over and picks up a rubber ball.
TWITCH
And everything popular in Japan will be popular here in five to seven years.
SLAB
Right…
They walk along some more. Twitch tosses the rubber ball away, which hits somebody in the head. The man turns and glares. Twitch and Slab casually walk on.
SLAB
We’ll probably need a plot.
TWITH
What good movies have plots in this day and age? And what about actors? Nobody hangs out with us, except us.
SLAB
And Buffy.
TWITCH
He doesn’t count.
Cut to:
INT. OFFICE
Buffy is sitting at his computer. Movie posters, and scripts, and videos lay about his desk. He is typing, when suddenly he looks up.
BUFFY
Funny. I feel insulted.
Cut to:
INT. STREET – SUBURBAN AREA
Slab and Twitch are still working. They cross the street.
SLAB
I don’t know about you, but I’ve got lots of friends.
TWITCH
Oh, shut up.
A van pulls up beside them. They are pulled into it.
Cut to:
INT. INSIDE VAN
They are surrounded by people, in the back seat.
DRIVER
Good. Right on time.
TWITCH
On time for what?
VAN GUY #1
We don’t have time for this. Give it to him.
Van Guy #2 shoves a generic backpack into Twitch’s arms.
VAN GUY #3
You know what to do.
TWITCH
I do?
Cut to:
INT. MALL PARKING LOT
Van pulls away to reveal Slab and Twitch standing there. Twitch twitches.
TWITCH
I think those people have the wrong guys.
SLAB
Probably.
As Twitch wonders what to do with the backpack, Slab turns around and looks up at the mall.
SLAB
Hey. We’re at the mall.
TWITCH
Oh good. I need to buy a pair of new underpants.
Twitch puts on the backpack and they enter.
Fade to:
INT. INSIDE MALL
They look left. Then right. Twitch turns to Slab and looks him in the eye.
TWITCH
This isn’t the mall. It’s a community shopping hubble .
SLAB
Close enough.
Twitch and Slab walk in further. Twitch points to the video store and they go in.
TWITCH
Aspiring actors are sure to be hanging out here.
SLAB
That’s not right at all. And even if they were, they wouldn’t talk to me with you around.
Twitch twitches. He gets mad and pokes Slab in the chest.
TWITCH
I’ve had about enough of your back talk, mister.
In the background, the man whom Twitch hit in the head is renting some occult movie. He stares at Twitch with hatred and storms out.
SLAB
Whatever.
Slab casually walks deeper into the rental store. A moderately attractive woman walks in front of Twitch and he follows her.
Cut to Slab:
Slab walks up to an angry looking man.
SLAB
Hey. You want to be in a movie?
Angry man’s eyes close just a little, as it he’s going to kick somebody’s ass. Then a smile pops up on his face.
AM
Sure. That’d be neat-o.
SLAB
All right. Meet us back here tomorrow.
AM
Okay. That’d be great. My name is Arnold by the way.
SLAB
Umm… oh.
Cut to Twitch:
Twitch follows the woman down another aisle. She speeds up. He speeds up. She turns and looks at him all angrily and mad.
MAW
Are you following me?
Twitch gets nervous and tries to think of an answer.
TWITCH
No…
She stares at him a bit more and crosses her arms.
TWITCH
Yes…
MAW
That’s what I thought,
She pulls back her hand to smack him in the face.
TWITCH
Wait! I’m making a movie!
She lowers her hand and pushes it together with her other one.
MAW
You’re a professional moviemaker? Ooo... sexy.
Twitch raises an eyebrow.
TWITCH
Yes. That is what I am. And you could star in it… For a price.
MAW
Oh, I’ll totally have sex with you.
Twitch adapts a shocked look for a second.
TWITCH
Actually I meant you could drive us around, but I won’t turn down your offer.
MAW
Oh. Is it too late to change it?
TWITCH
Yes. It is. Too late. To change. It.
Slab walks up to Twitch.
SLAB
All right. I’ve got enough actors.
TWTICH
Already?
SLAB
Yes. Now we’ve got to find a pyrotechnican.
TWITCH
We’ll that’s great. Where will we get one of those?
MAW
Pyrotechnician school?
Twitch and Slab stare at the moderately attractive woman. She looks ashamed and walks away.
SLAB
Hey, I know. Pyrotechnician school.
TWITCH
That’s a great idea!
Twitch wraps his arms around Slab.
SLAB
What did I tell you about that?
TWTICH
To stop?
SLAB
Well?
Twitch lets go. He stands with his arms at his sides for a bit, and then puts his hands in his pockets.
Fade to:
INT. MALL PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON
Slab and Twitch walk into the traffic lane.
SLAB
I think I forgot my camera inside.
TWITCH
You should get it.
Slab and Twitch’s fake stand-ins both get hit by a van. Slab gets up and goes back to get his camera.
Fade to:
INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE
Twitch wakes up in a chair. He is startled. He looks around the room and sees various dead people. He goes over to a secretary.
TWITCH
Where… the heck? Am I?
The secretary looks up at him.
SECRETARY
Name please.
TWITCH
Uh… Twitch Malroney.
The secretary of the dead looks through some papers and types on her computer.
SECRETARY
Ahh… yes. Here you are. We’ll have to contact your friend before your application can be processed. Please take a seat.
TWITCH
Okay. Wait… what application?
SECRETARY
Your application of death, of course.
TWTICH
Oh.
Twitch goes and takes a seat. He nods to some guy with a spike in his head and picks up a magazine, and then he stops and looks up.
TWITCH
Death?
Cut to:
INT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE – EVENING
Death walks up the street and goes to the front door. Slab answers.
SLAB
Hello. May I help you?
DEATH
Come with me…
SLAB
Wait. Are you death?
DEATH
Come with me…
SLAB
No.
Slab closes the door in Death’s face. Death shakes his fist.
DEATH
Darn you.
Death stomps off in a huff.
Fade to:
INT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE – NEXT AFTERNOON
CAPTION: The Next Day
Death walks back up to the front door. He knocks. Slab answers again.
SLAB
You again? What do you want?
DEATH
Come with me!
SLAB
Why?
DEATH
Because you are dead. I will show you the afterlife.
SLAB
No I’m not.
DEATH
Yes, you are.
SLAB
I would like to see some legal documentations of this.
DEATH
What?
SLAB
I don’t go with you until I see a certificate of death. Good day.
Slab closes the door in Death’s face. Death again storms off.
Fade to:
INT. SAME PLACE – NEXT DAY
CAPTION: The Next Day
Death stomps back to the door. He slams his fist on it really hard. Slab opens the door once more.
DEATH
Here.
Death hands Slab some papers. Slab looks though them. Slab shakes his head.
SLAB
Nope. Sorry. You misspelled my last name. This is null and void.
DEATH
What?
SLAB
I can’t go with you.
Slab goes to close the door, but Death stops him.
DEATH
How about a game?
SLAB
Pardon.
DEATH
A game. Any game. You choose. I win, you come with me. I loose, you stay.
SLAB
And Twitch comes back.
DEATH
How did you know about him?
SLAB
His plant never got fed.
Dead plant is shown behind Slab. Death is slightly shocked. He walks in and shakes Slab’s hand.
DEATH
Deal. What game?
SLAB
Samurai Showdown 2.
DEATH
Right. Okay.
Cut to:
INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE
Twitch is sleeping on a dead girl’s lap. The secretary calls out.
SECRETARY
Twitch Malroney?
Twitch looks up.
TWITCH
What? Eh? Yes?
SECRETARY
I’ve been informed you may be resurrected.
TWITCH
Oh.
Twitch goes back to sleep.
Cut to:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Death and Slab are playing the video game. Death is quite into it. But then Slab wins.
DEATH
Nooo!!
SLAB
Well, looks like you died. Ironic, no?
DEATH
Rassin’ frassin’.
Death throws a smoke bomb down.
DEATH
I’ll see you soon! BWA HA HA HA!!
The smoke clears and Death walks away.
Cut to:
INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE
Secretary throws a paper ball at Twitch.
SECRETARY
You can go now.
TWITCH
Oh… Well…
Twitch gets up. He turns to the dead girl.
TWITCH
Will you wait for me?
DEAD GIRL
Nope.
Twitch twitches and then walks away.
Fade to:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Slab is resting on the couch, watching TV, when Twitch walks in.
TWITCH
Hey.
Slab looks up.
SLAB
Hey.
Slab casually turns back to the television. Twitch takes off the backpack and plops down on a chair.
SLAB
Your plant died.
TWITCH
That wasn’t my plant.
Death comes back in and grabs the plant.
DEATH
I forgot this.
He exits, and Slab and Twitch continue to watch TV. There’s a knock at the door. Twitch goes to get it. He comes back with a note.
TWITCH
Somebody left this on the door step.
Slab takes it from Twitch and reads it aloud.
SLAB
Here are your instructions. Take the backpack to a trashcan clown by the local library. Place it inside. Walk away casually.
TWITCH
I can do that.
He puts on the backpack and heads for the door. Slab gets up and follows him.
TWITCH
Hey. What about our movie?
SLAB
We’ll make it later.
They exit and the phone starts to ring.
Fade to:
INT. OUTSIDE PUBLIC LIBRARY – NIGHT
Slab and Twitch walk up to the library.
SLAB
There’s the trashcan.
TWITCH
Yes. There is. The trash. Can.
SLAB
So put the backpack in.
Twitch takes off the backpack and moves towards the trashcan. He twitches a bit, and struggles trying to place it in. Then suddenly he clutches it to his chest.
TWITCH
I can’t do it!
SLAB
Why’s that? Here, I’ll do it.
Slab reaches for the pack, and Twitch pulls away.
TWITCH
We don’t even know what’s in it!
Twitch starts to open it franticly. He gets it open and sees nothing inside.
TWITCH
What the heck?
SLAB
What’s wrong?
Slab walks up and looks in the bag.
SLAB
There’s nothing in here.
TWITCH
I know. This is lame.
Twitch tosses the bag aside and they leave. Eerie background music starts up. The camera pans to the packsack as it starts to pulse and glow.
Fade to:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Same as always, only the backpack is sitting on the coffee table and the phone is still ringing in the background. Slab and Twitch enter. Slab walks around and down a hall, while Twitch sits on the couch and turns on the television. He notices the backpack and looks at it funny. Slab walks back, holding a pad of paper and a pen.
SLAB
Let’s write this movie.
TWITCH
Did I throw that away?
Twitch points to the backpack. Slab looks at it for a second.
SLAB
Yes. You did.
TWITCH
Hmm…
Twitch tosses it aside and turns back to the television. Slab is about to write something when Buffy walks in.
BUFFY
Good day to you. Got a movie idea yet?
SLAB
No.
Buffy, still standing, thinks for a bit. He sits down next to Twitch then gets an idea.
BUFFY
I’ve got it! You can base the movie around a buddy road trip.
Slab and Twitch both look at Buffy for a second.
SLAB
Are the main characters gay?
BUFFY
Are you slandering homosexuals?
SLAB
No. Of course not. I’m a big fan of the gay community. I’ve got my gay trading cards, see?
Slab pulls out some trading cards from his back pocket and shows them around. Twitch and Buffy look at them.
TWITCH
Hey. You’ve got Hank “Ass Monger” Williams. He can make an ass BEG for mercy.
SLAB
Yeah. I like some of his earlier stuff, but lately I’ve had my eye on rookie gay, “Gay Carl.”
TWITCH
Well Carl’s got a good dick suck, but his anal rampage is totally weak.
SLAB
I guess you’re right.
Buffy looks at them awkwardly. He gets up and leaves.
SLAB
Well that got rid of him, now, didn’t it?
TWITCH
My favourite quote is “crap.”
SLAB
Now you’re just being silly.
TWITCH
Like Sticky Tack?
SLAB
Yes. Exactly like Sticky Tack.
They sit, unmoving for a few seconds. Twitch twitches.
SLAB
Hey, answer the phone.
TWITH
What? No way. You do it.
SLAB
That phone has been ringing since we’ve got home. It’s obvious some psychopath is on the other end; otherwise they wouldn’t have let it ring so long, would they?
TWITCH
What? GAH!
Twitch grabs the backpack and stuffs Slab’s camera, and some other things in it.
TWITCH
Let’s cheese it, before they come and kill us!
Twitch runs out of the house and Slab follows slowly behind him. Just as the door slams…
Cut to:
INT. BOWLING ALLEY – NIGHT
Pins clatter in a strike. The man who got the strike, CUB, turns around and goes to see his score get written down. Slab and Twitch enter. They walk towards Cub, and sit down beside him. Twitch takes off his backpack and sets it under his chair. It pulses once with light.
CUB
Hey guys. Come to watch me win another tournament?
TWITCH
No, actually. We’re here because… uhh…
SLAB
There’s a psycho calling us and Twitch doesn’t feel safe at home, Cub.
CUB
Oh? Where does this psycho live?
TWITCH
We don’t know.
CUB
Well you just have to ask the operator for his address.
TWITCH
I don’t think you understand.
SLAB
The phone has been ringing for quite a while, and we haven’t answered it yet.
CUB
Well how do you know it’s a psycho and not something important?
Twitch and Slab are silent yet again.
CUB
Oh. It’s my turn again. Hold on.
Cub picks up his black bowling ball, with the purple flames. He elaborately tosses it down the lane and gets a strike. He comes back, and sits down.
CUB
That’s right boys. Who’s the grand daddy of funk?
TWITCH
James Brown?
SLAB
No, he’s the godfather of soul.
TWITCH
Oh… right.
CUB
So anyway, did you want me to answer your phone or something?
TWITCH
Could you?
CUB
Sure. After I finish this game.
Fade to:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Slab and Twitch enter again. Cub follows behind them, carrying a large bowling trophy. He sets it down next to the coffee table and walks over to the still ringing phone.
CUB
Hmm… It is ringing… Well, let’s answer this sucker.
Cub reaches for the phone. His hand hovers just about the receiver. Beads of sweat run down his face. His entire body becomes tense and veins start popping out of him. Twitch and Slab stand by nervously.
CUB
I can’t do it!
SLAB
Why not? It’s just a phone.
CUB
So you do it.
SLAB
No.
Cub sits down on Slab’s chair and puts his face in his hands. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door. Twitch goes to answer it. French, their next-door neighbour , is there.
FRENCH
Hey, uhh… Your phone is ringing. Are you gonna answer it?
TWITCH
Who are you?
FRENCH
My name’s French. I moved in next door. Answer your phone.
TWITCH
Well, why don’t you do it?
Twitch lets French in, and they go over to the telephone. French looks at it, then back at Twitch.
FRENCH
It’s not my phone, though.
SLAB
That’s all right. We’ll let you answer it.
FRENCH
But it’s not right to answer another person’s phone.
CUB
What are you? Chicken?
FRENCH
Well why don’t you answer it?
CUB
Because of shut up and answer the phone. That’s why.
French is taken back for a second. He goes over to the phone and puts his hand out. Struggling for a while he finally picks up the phone, yells, and slams it back down, but doesn’t let it get off the hook. It continues to ring. Suddenly the men from the van burst in, take the backpack, and put the phone in it.
VAN GUY #1.
Thanks for nothing, ya hoser !
They storm out and Buffy walks in.
BUFFY
Who were those guys? And who are these guys?
TWITCH
Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that a crisis was averted and now we’re going to get a movie.
BUFFY
Excellent. I know just the movie to rent.
SLAB
You always say that.
BUFFY
I’m a film critic. Now let’s go get Aimee and Jaguar.
TWITCH
Sweet. A movie about a jungle queen and her pet.
BUFFY
Actually it’s a striking and seductive saga of a Jewish lesbian in love with the dallying wife of a Nazi officer and mother of four, set during World War II.
SLAB
Only Hollywood could make up something like that.
BUFFY
Actually it’s from Germany. And it’s based on a true story. And it’s an artsy film.
SLAB
I think, then, I’ll need a German-Jewish-lesbian-art-film-to-straight-Anglo-Canadian-simpleton translation dictionary.
BUFFY
We could get The Widow of Saint-Pierre.
Everybody stares at Buffy for a second.
TWITCH
You’re not allowed to choose the movie.
Buffy looks shamed. He hangs his head and follows everybody as they leave.
Dissolve to:
(Yeah. Dissolve. What of it?)
INT. MOVIE STORE
The five men walk into the video store. The woman and man from before are waiting for Slab. They see him and rush forward.
MAW
You finally came. We were waiting for you all this time.
SLAB
In the store?
AM
Yep.
SLAB
Wasn’t that a few days ago?
MAW
Yes it was.
SLAB
You’re both crazy.
Twitch twitches.
TWITCH
What’s wrong with being crazy?
There is a moment of awkward silence. Twitch and Slab leaves, which Slab motions for his “minions” to stay behind. French, Cub, and Buffy go looking for movies.
Cut to:
INT. MALL OUTSIDE – NIGHT
Twitch and Slab walks out, but Twitch stops Slab.
TWITCH
Look both ways.
They do, and then step out into the street.
Cut to:
INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE
Twitch and Slab awake up in chairs.
SECRETARY
You’re applications can be processed now.
TWITCH
Well, crap.
Fade to black:
CAPTION: Le fin
End credits role as People Are Strange is played.
