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Fence

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

TWITCH is watching television intently and SLAB walks out and sits down on the couch. Slab opens a can of drinkable fluid. Something on the program explodes. Twitch gets closer.

TWITCH

Ooo... Things go boom.

SLAB

Yes. I would have to say things do go boom.

TIWTCH

And the colours are pretty.

Twitch pushes his face against the screen.

SLAB

Say... We could make a movie.

TWITCH (excited)

Can we have explosions? And guns? And scantly clad women? And beef jerky?

SLAB

Maybe we can. It all depends.

Slab slowly takes a sip of his beverage. Shot moves to a close up of Twitch. He blinks once. Twice.

TWITCH

Let's do it!!

They stare each other directly in the eye, as BUFFY comes out of a nearby closet.

BUFFY

Hey guys, keep it down. I'm working.

Slab and Twitch turn to Buffy. Twitch perks up.

TWITCH

But we're gonna make a movie!

SLAB

Yes. We are.

Buffy walks around and takes a seat next to Slab.

BUFFY

Oh yeah? What's it about?

Silence, as Slab and Twitch both stare at Buffy. Twitch twitches a couple times.

BUFFY

So you guys don't have any ideas?

TWITCH

There'll be explosions.

SLAB

And women. Probably.

TWITCH

And… and… and… uhh…

Twitch twitches some more, and then falls over suddenly. The others take little notice of this.

BUFFY

Look, I’m a film critic, so I know what’s good or bad. I’ll help you with a…

SLAB

Aren’t critics just people who couldn’t make it as writers?

This shuts Buffy up. He stares for a few seconds.

BUFFY

Shut up.

SLAB

All right.

Silence falls again as they watch TV. Slab sips his drink. This last for about 20 seconds, then Twitch springs up.

TWITCH

Let’s go!

Cut to:

INT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE – NOONISH

Slab, Twitch, and Buffy walk down the yard.

TWITCH

So we’ll need a camera and lights, and actors, and…

They stop by Buffy’s car as Twitch continues his rambling.

BUFFY

Well I’m off to work. I’ll see you guys later.

Buffy gets in his car and drives off, as the other two wave bye.

SLAB

So let’s get going.

TWITCH

Yeah, all right.

Twitch and Slab stand still for 10 seconds.

SLAB

I should get a camera

Slab goes inside while Twitch waits for a minute. Slab comes back out with his camera and stands beside Twitch. Silence for 10 seconds.

TWITCH

Right. Let’s go.

Twitch and Slab exit. Stage right.

Cut to:

INT. STREET – SUBURBAN AREA – AFTERNOON

Slab and Twitch stroll along. Slab has his camera.

TWITCH

So how do we go about starting this thing?

SLAB

Well, we’ll need an idea. And hot pants.

TWITCH

Hot pants? Why would we need hot pants?

SLAB

They’re popular in Japan.

Twitch stumbles, but quickly regains his balance. He bends over and picks up a rubber ball.

TWITCH

And everything popular in Japan will be popular here in five to seven years.

SLAB

Right…

They walk along some more. Twitch tosses the rubber ball away, which hits somebody in the head. The man turns and glares. Twitch and Slab casually walk on.

SLAB

We’ll probably need a plot.

TWITH

What good movies have plots in this day and age? And what about actors? Nobody hangs out with us, except us.

SLAB

And Buffy.

TWITCH

He doesn’t count.

Cut to:

INT. OFFICE

Buffy is sitting at his computer. Movie posters, and scripts, and videos lay about his desk. He is typing, when suddenly he looks up.

BUFFY

Funny. I feel insulted.

Cut to:

INT. STREET – SUBURBAN AREA

Slab and Twitch are still working. They cross the street.

SLAB

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got lots of friends.

TWITCH

Oh, shut up.

A van pulls up beside them. They are pulled into it.

Cut to:

INT. INSIDE VAN

They are surrounded by people, in the back seat.

DRIVER

Good. Right on time.

TWITCH

On time for what?

VAN GUY #1

We don’t have time for this. Give it to him.

Van Guy #2 shoves a generic backpack into Twitch’s arms.

VAN GUY #3

You know what to do.

TWITCH

I do?

Cut to:

INT. MALL PARKING LOT

Van pulls away to reveal Slab and Twitch standing there. Twitch twitches.

TWITCH

I think those people have the wrong guys.

SLAB

Probably.

As Twitch wonders what to do with the backpack, Slab turns around and looks up at the mall.

SLAB

Hey. We’re at the mall.

TWITCH

Oh good. I need to buy a pair of new underpants.

Twitch puts on the backpack and they enter.

Fade to:

INT. INSIDE MALL

They look left. Then right. Twitch turns to Slab and looks him in the eye.

TWITCH

This isn’t the mall. It’s a community shopping hubble .

SLAB

Close enough.

Twitch and Slab walk in further. Twitch points to the video store and they go in.

TWITCH

Aspiring actors are sure to be hanging out here.

SLAB

That’s not right at all. And even if they were, they wouldn’t talk to me with you around.

Twitch twitches. He gets mad and pokes Slab in the chest.

TWITCH

I’ve had about enough of your back talk, mister.

In the background, the man whom Twitch hit in the head is renting some occult movie. He stares at Twitch with hatred and storms out.

SLAB

Whatever.

Slab casually walks deeper into the rental store. A moderately attractive woman walks in front of Twitch and he follows her.

Cut to Slab:

Slab walks up to an angry looking man.

SLAB

Hey. You want to be in a movie?

Angry man’s eyes close just a little, as it he’s going to kick somebody’s ass. Then a smile pops up on his face.

AM

Sure. That’d be neat-o.

SLAB

All right. Meet us back here tomorrow.

AM

Okay. That’d be great. My name is Arnold by the way.

SLAB

Umm… oh.

Cut to Twitch:

Twitch follows the woman down another aisle. She speeds up. He speeds up. She turns and looks at him all angrily and mad.

MAW

Are you following me?

Twitch gets nervous and tries to think of an answer.

TWITCH

No…

She stares at him a bit more and crosses her arms.

TWITCH

Yes…

MAW

That’s what I thought,

She pulls back her hand to smack him in the face.

TWITCH

Wait! I’m making a movie!

She lowers her hand and pushes it together with her other one.

MAW

You’re a professional moviemaker? Ooo... sexy.

Twitch raises an eyebrow.

TWITCH

Yes. That is what I am. And you could star in it… For a price.

MAW

Oh, I’ll totally have sex with you.

Twitch adapts a shocked look for a second.

TWITCH

Actually I meant you could drive us around, but I won’t turn down your offer.

MAW

Oh. Is it too late to change it?

TWITCH

Yes. It is. Too late. To change. It.

Slab walks up to Twitch.

SLAB

All right. I’ve got enough actors.

TWTICH

Already?

SLAB

Yes. Now we’ve got to find a pyrotechnican.

TWITCH

We’ll that’s great. Where will we get one of those?

MAW

Pyrotechnician school?

Twitch and Slab stare at the moderately attractive woman. She looks ashamed and walks away.

SLAB

Hey, I know. Pyrotechnician school.

TWITCH

That’s a great idea!

Twitch wraps his arms around Slab.

SLAB

What did I tell you about that?

TWTICH

To stop?

SLAB

Well?

Twitch lets go. He stands with his arms at his sides for a bit, and then puts his hands in his pockets.

Fade to:

INT. MALL PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON

Slab and Twitch walk into the traffic lane.

SLAB

I think I forgot my camera inside.

TWITCH

You should get it.

Slab and Twitch’s fake stand-ins both get hit by a van. Slab gets up and goes back to get his camera.

Fade to:

INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE

Twitch wakes up in a chair. He is startled. He looks around the room and sees various dead people. He goes over to a secretary.

TWITCH

Where… the heck? Am I?

The secretary looks up at him.

SECRETARY

Name please.

TWITCH

Uh… Twitch Malroney.

The secretary of the dead looks through some papers and types on her computer.

SECRETARY

Ahh… yes. Here you are. We’ll have to contact your friend before your application can be processed. Please take a seat.

TWITCH

Okay. Wait… what application?

SECRETARY

Your application of death, of course.

TWTICH

Oh.

Twitch goes and takes a seat. He nods to some guy with a spike in his head and picks up a magazine, and then he stops and looks up.

TWITCH

Death?

Cut to:

INT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE – EVENING

Death walks up the street and goes to the front door. Slab answers.

SLAB

Hello. May I help you?

DEATH

Come with me…

SLAB

Wait. Are you death?

DEATH

Come with me…

SLAB

No.

Slab closes the door in Death’s face. Death shakes his fist.

DEATH

Darn you.

Death stomps off in a huff.

Fade to:

INT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE – NEXT AFTERNOON

CAPTION: The Next Day

Death walks back up to the front door. He knocks. Slab answers again.

SLAB

You again? What do you want?

DEATH

Come with me!

SLAB

Why?

DEATH

Because you are dead. I will show you the afterlife.

SLAB

No I’m not.

DEATH

Yes, you are.

SLAB

I would like to see some legal documentations of this.

DEATH

What?

SLAB

I don’t go with you until I see a certificate of death. Good day.

Slab closes the door in Death’s face. Death again storms off.

Fade to:

INT. SAME PLACE – NEXT DAY

CAPTION: The Next Day

Death stomps back to the door. He slams his fist on it really hard. Slab opens the door once more.

DEATH

Here.

Death hands Slab some papers. Slab looks though them. Slab shakes his head.

SLAB

Nope. Sorry. You misspelled my last name. This is null and void.

DEATH

What?

SLAB

I can’t go with you.

Slab goes to close the door, but Death stops him.

DEATH

How about a game?

SLAB

Pardon.

DEATH

A game. Any game. You choose. I win, you come with me. I loose, you stay.

SLAB

And Twitch comes back.

DEATH

How did you know about him?

SLAB

His plant never got fed.

Dead plant is shown behind Slab. Death is slightly shocked. He walks in and shakes Slab’s hand.

DEATH

Deal. What game?

SLAB

Samurai Showdown 2.

DEATH

Right. Okay.

Cut to:

INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE

Twitch is sleeping on a dead girl’s lap. The secretary calls out.

SECRETARY

Twitch Malroney?

Twitch looks up.

TWITCH

What? Eh? Yes?

SECRETARY

I’ve been informed you may be resurrected.

TWITCH

Oh.

Twitch goes back to sleep.

Cut to:

INT. LIVING ROOM

Death and Slab are playing the video game. Death is quite into it. But then Slab wins.

DEATH

Nooo!!

SLAB

Well, looks like you died. Ironic, no?

DEATH

Rassin’ frassin’.

Death throws a smoke bomb down.

DEATH

I’ll see you soon! BWA HA HA HA!!

The smoke clears and Death walks away.

Cut to:

INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE

Secretary throws a paper ball at Twitch.

SECRETARY

You can go now.

TWITCH

Oh… Well…

Twitch gets up. He turns to the dead girl.

TWITCH

Will you wait for me?

DEAD GIRL

Nope.

Twitch twitches and then walks away.

Fade to:

INT. LIVING ROOM

Slab is resting on the couch, watching TV, when Twitch walks in.

TWITCH

Hey.

Slab looks up.

SLAB

Hey.

Slab casually turns back to the television. Twitch takes off the backpack and plops down on a chair.

SLAB

Your plant died.

TWITCH

That wasn’t my plant.

Death comes back in and grabs the plant.

DEATH

I forgot this.

He exits, and Slab and Twitch continue to watch TV. There’s a knock at the door. Twitch goes to get it. He comes back with a note.

TWITCH

Somebody left this on the door step.

Slab takes it from Twitch and reads it aloud.

SLAB

Here are your instructions. Take the backpack to a trashcan clown by the local library. Place it inside. Walk away casually.

TWITCH

I can do that.

He puts on the backpack and heads for the door. Slab gets up and follows him.

TWITCH

Hey. What about our movie?

SLAB

We’ll make it later.

They exit and the phone starts to ring.

Fade to:

INT. OUTSIDE PUBLIC LIBRARY – NIGHT

Slab and Twitch walk up to the library.

SLAB

There’s the trashcan.

TWITCH

Yes. There is. The trash. Can.

SLAB

So put the backpack in.

Twitch takes off the backpack and moves towards the trashcan. He twitches a bit, and struggles trying to place it in. Then suddenly he clutches it to his chest.

TWITCH

I can’t do it!

SLAB

Why’s that? Here, I’ll do it.

Slab reaches for the pack, and Twitch pulls away.

TWITCH

We don’t even know what’s in it!

Twitch starts to open it franticly. He gets it open and sees nothing inside.

TWITCH

What the heck?

SLAB

What’s wrong?

Slab walks up and looks in the bag.

SLAB

There’s nothing in here.

TWITCH

I know. This is lame.

Twitch tosses the bag aside and they leave. Eerie background music starts up. The camera pans to the packsack as it starts to pulse and glow.

Fade to:

INT. LIVING ROOM

Same as always, only the backpack is sitting on the coffee table and the phone is still ringing in the background. Slab and Twitch enter. Slab walks around and down a hall, while Twitch sits on the couch and turns on the television. He notices the backpack and looks at it funny. Slab walks back, holding a pad of paper and a pen.

SLAB

Let’s write this movie.

TWITCH

Did I throw that away?

Twitch points to the backpack. Slab looks at it for a second.

SLAB

Yes. You did.

TWITCH

Hmm…

Twitch tosses it aside and turns back to the television. Slab is about to write something when Buffy walks in.

BUFFY

Good day to you. Got a movie idea yet?

SLAB

No.

Buffy, still standing, thinks for a bit. He sits down next to Twitch then gets an idea.

BUFFY

I’ve got it! You can base the movie around a buddy road trip.

Slab and Twitch both look at Buffy for a second.

SLAB

Are the main characters gay?

BUFFY

Are you slandering homosexuals?

SLAB

No. Of course not. I’m a big fan of the gay community. I’ve got my gay trading cards, see?

Slab pulls out some trading cards from his back pocket and shows them around. Twitch and Buffy look at them.

TWITCH

Hey. You’ve got Hank “Ass Monger” Williams. He can make an ass BEG for mercy.

SLAB

Yeah. I like some of his earlier stuff, but lately I’ve had my eye on rookie gay, “Gay Carl.”

TWITCH

Well Carl’s got a good dick suck, but his anal rampage is totally weak.

SLAB

I guess you’re right.

Buffy looks at them awkwardly. He gets up and leaves.

SLAB

Well that got rid of him, now, didn’t it?

TWITCH

My favourite quote is “crap.”

SLAB

Now you’re just being silly.

TWITCH

Like Sticky Tack?

SLAB

Yes. Exactly like Sticky Tack.

They sit, unmoving for a few seconds. Twitch twitches.

SLAB

Hey, answer the phone.

TWITH

What? No way. You do it.

SLAB

That phone has been ringing since we’ve got home. It’s obvious some psychopath is on the other end; otherwise they wouldn’t have let it ring so long, would they?

TWITCH

What? GAH!

Twitch grabs the backpack and stuffs Slab’s camera, and some other things in it.

TWITCH

Let’s cheese it, before they come and kill us!

Twitch runs out of the house and Slab follows slowly behind him. Just as the door slams…

Cut to:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY – NIGHT

Pins clatter in a strike. The man who got the strike, CUB, turns around and goes to see his score get written down. Slab and Twitch enter. They walk towards Cub, and sit down beside him. Twitch takes off his backpack and sets it under his chair. It pulses once with light.

CUB

Hey guys. Come to watch me win another tournament?

TWITCH

No, actually. We’re here because… uhh…

SLAB

There’s a psycho calling us and Twitch doesn’t feel safe at home, Cub.

CUB

Oh? Where does this psycho live?

TWITCH

We don’t know.

CUB

Well you just have to ask the operator for his address.

TWITCH

I don’t think you understand.

SLAB

The phone has been ringing for quite a while, and we haven’t answered it yet.

CUB

Well how do you know it’s a psycho and not something important?

Twitch and Slab are silent yet again.

CUB

Oh. It’s my turn again. Hold on.

Cub picks up his black bowling ball, with the purple flames. He elaborately tosses it down the lane and gets a strike. He comes back, and sits down.

CUB

That’s right boys. Who’s the grand daddy of funk?

TWITCH

James Brown?

SLAB

No, he’s the godfather of soul.

TWITCH

Oh… right.

CUB

So anyway, did you want me to answer your phone or something?

TWITCH

Could you?

CUB

Sure. After I finish this game.

Fade to:

INT. LIVING ROOM

Slab and Twitch enter again. Cub follows behind them, carrying a large bowling trophy. He sets it down next to the coffee table and walks over to the still ringing phone.

CUB

Hmm… It is ringing… Well, let’s answer this sucker.

Cub reaches for the phone. His hand hovers just about the receiver. Beads of sweat run down his face. His entire body becomes tense and veins start popping out of him. Twitch and Slab stand by nervously.

CUB

I can’t do it!

SLAB

Why not? It’s just a phone.

CUB

So you do it.

SLAB

No.

Cub sits down on Slab’s chair and puts his face in his hands. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door. Twitch goes to answer it. French, their next-door neighbour , is there.

FRENCH

Hey, uhh… Your phone is ringing. Are you gonna answer it?

TWITCH

Who are you?

FRENCH

My name’s French. I moved in next door. Answer your phone.

TWITCH

Well, why don’t you do it?

Twitch lets French in, and they go over to the telephone. French looks at it, then back at Twitch.

FRENCH

It’s not my phone, though.

SLAB

That’s all right. We’ll let you answer it.

FRENCH

But it’s not right to answer another person’s phone.

CUB

What are you? Chicken?

FRENCH

Well why don’t you answer it?

CUB

Because of shut up and answer the phone. That’s why.

French is taken back for a second. He goes over to the phone and puts his hand out. Struggling for a while he finally picks up the phone, yells, and slams it back down, but doesn’t let it get off the hook. It continues to ring. Suddenly the men from the van burst in, take the backpack, and put the phone in it.

VAN GUY #1.

Thanks for nothing, ya hoser !

They storm out and Buffy walks in.

BUFFY

Who were those guys? And who are these guys?

TWITCH

Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that a crisis was averted and now we’re going to get a movie.

BUFFY

Excellent. I know just the movie to rent.

SLAB

You always say that.

BUFFY

I’m a film critic. Now let’s go get Aimee and Jaguar.

TWITCH

Sweet. A movie about a jungle queen and her pet.

BUFFY

Actually it’s a striking and seductive saga of a Jewish lesbian in love with the dallying wife of a Nazi officer and mother of four, set during World War II.

SLAB

Only Hollywood could make up something like that.

BUFFY

Actually it’s from Germany. And it’s based on a true story. And it’s an artsy film.

SLAB

I think, then, I’ll need a German-Jewish-lesbian-art-film-to-straight-Anglo-Canadian-simpleton translation dictionary.

BUFFY

We could get The Widow of Saint-Pierre.

Everybody stares at Buffy for a second.

TWITCH

You’re not allowed to choose the movie.

Buffy looks shamed. He hangs his head and follows everybody as they leave.

Dissolve to:

(Yeah. Dissolve. What of it?)

INT. MOVIE STORE

The five men walk into the video store. The woman and man from before are waiting for Slab. They see him and rush forward.

MAW

You finally came. We were waiting for you all this time.

SLAB

In the store?

AM

Yep.

SLAB

Wasn’t that a few days ago?

MAW

Yes it was.

SLAB

You’re both crazy.

Twitch twitches.

TWITCH

What’s wrong with being crazy?

There is a moment of awkward silence. Twitch and Slab leaves, which Slab motions for his “minions” to stay behind. French, Cub, and Buffy go looking for movies.

Cut to:

INT. MALL OUTSIDE – NIGHT

Twitch and Slab walks out, but Twitch stops Slab.

TWITCH

Look both ways.

They do, and then step out into the street.

Cut to:

INT. WAITING ROOM OF THE AFTERLIFE

Twitch and Slab awake up in chairs.

SECRETARY

You’re applications can be processed now.

TWITCH

Well, crap.

Fade to black:

CAPTION: Le fin

End credits role as People Are Strange is played.