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The Lawyer Play

Cast:

Mr. Ed McFleetwood- The defending lawyer

Ms. Glori Walters- The prosecuting lawyer

Judge Harold Winecleff- The judge (Bet 'cha didn't see that one coming)

Mr. Jonathan Clickman- Defendant

Mr. La Geuf- Plaintiff

Frank the Bailiff- Guess who he is

Molly the stenographer- What it says

Dr. Floppykins- Stuffed rabbit

George- Grease monkey

Mrs. Clickman- The mother of Mr. Clickman

Dirk & Harry Palms- Siamese twins

Satan- What more do you want?

Drum guy- A jury member with a snare and cymbal

Old lady- Another jury member

Jury #3-Mexican

Jury #4-Who cares?

 

Scene 1

Everybody is already in their places, except Mr. McFleetwood, and the judge.

Drum guy plays right as the curtain rises.

Frank: All rise for the honorable judge Winecleff

Everyone stands. Judge Winecleff enters and takes his seat. The rest sit down... except for Frank. He has to stand the whole time.

Mr. McFleetwood bursts into the court: Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a....

Judge Winecleff: Don't even think about it.

Ed: What?

Sits down and opens up his briefcase, and goes through some papers.

Judge: Ready?

Ed holds up a finger. Then he pours a glass of water and gulps it down, then nods his head.

Judge: Okay. Let's begin. Opening arguments. Ms. Walters, heads or tails.

Glori: Tails.

Judge flips a coin: Tails. You win.

Glori: Thank you. People of the jury, I intend to prove to you that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Mr. Clickman here tried to kill my client, Mr. La Goof.

La Geuf: La Geuf.

Glori: Whatever. Now my legal opponent may try to sway you from the truth with misdirection, unqualified witnesses, and incredible overacting. He may even object to everything I say.

Ed: I object!

Glori: What did I tell you?

The two make faces at each other

Judge: That's enough. On what grounds Mr. McFleetwood?

Ed: She's giving away my game plan.

Judge: Sit down Mr. McFleetwood. You may continue Ms. Walters.

Glori: Right. Now he may try to dazzle you with official sounding terms like "latrine" and "formaldehyde", but don't fall for his shenanigans. Thank you.

Judge: You're up Mr. McFleetwood.

Ed: Woo hoo! Hello jury. How are you today?

Jury responds at the same time.

Drum guy: Fine.

Jury 3: Good.

Jury 4: Alright.

Old lady: My tummy hurts.

Ed: That's great. Okay, contrary to what Ms. Walters said, my defense will be straightforward and untheatrical. Now watch me pull a witness out off my briefcase.

Ed rummages around in his briefcase. He pulls out a stuffed rabbit with a stethoscope on.

Ed: Hello Dr. Floppykins.

Frank takes out a bible and Ed puts Dr. Floppykins hand on it.

Frank: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Dr. Floppykins: Yes, but I'm Buddhist.

Ed: Just so I can establish your credentials to the court, let me ask you this. How much does two aspirin cost when billed through a health insurance company?

Dr. Floppykins: $200

Ed: Now we know we're dealing with a medical expert.

Drum guy plays

Ed: What do you say to a man who started coughing up blood?

Dr. Floppykins: Cover your mouth.

Drum guy repeats.

Glori: I object. Doctor Floppykins has no credentials, or medical expertise. He's a stuffed rabbit!

Judge: Point taken. Dr. Floppykins, you may step down. I call a 5-min recess. Come back with some real witnesses Mr. McFleetwood.

End of scene 1

 

Scene 2

Same bat place. Same bat people. Ed has a bat. Get it?

Judge: Mr. McFleetwood, what's that bat for?

Ed: This is my lucky bat, your hinieness.

Glori: I object, Mr. McFleetwood is turning this courtroom into a baseball diamond.

Judge: He can keep the bat. He'll need all the luck he can get.

Ed: That's right... Hey!

Judge: Shall we begin again?

Ed: Wait! You didn't ask my client how he pleads.

Judge: Okay. How do you plead Mr. Clickman

John: Like this. Please, please. Oh please. For the love of all that is eatable!

Judge: Are you guilty or not?

John: Guilty.

Ed: No. Don't plead that.

John: How 'bout guilty, but with good cause. You see....

Ed: No. Go with temporary insanity. You'll never go wrong when you're insane.

John: Good thinking. I plead temporary insanity.

Judge: I'll believe that. Do you have any more witnesses?

Ed: Yes. I call.... To the stand...a very important person... a master in his field... he's right up there...

Judge: Who is it?!?

Ed: George the mechanic.

George goes up to the stand and does the bible thing.

Ed: Well, well, well. Mr. George is it?

George: No.

Ed: No one asked you. Now, on the night in question, did you see my client try to kill my baby hating opponent’s client, Mr. La Goof?

La Geuf: La Geuf.

Ed: Who cares.

George: No.

Ed: No further questions. Your witness Ms. Walters.

Glori: Thanks Ed.

Ed: No prob Bob. Wait! That's not your name!

Glori: Now George, where were you on the night in question?

George: What night is that?

Glori: Five nights ago.

George: And your case already got to court? That's fast.

Judge: Just answer the question.

George: I was working in my garage.

Glori: And what happened?

George: Well, a guy came in and asked if he could have a rag for his friend who was coughing up blood.

Glori: And you gave it to him?

Ed: Objection. That could have been any man. Who's to say it was my client?

Glori: Who was it?

George (points to Mr. Clickman): That guy over there.

Ed: Hey! You're my witness. You're supposed to be on my side.

George: Sorry.

Glori: No further questions.

Judge: You can get down George.

Ed: Okay. My next witness will be Mrs. Clickman.

Judge: I didn't know you were married.

John: I'm not.

Ed: It's his mother.

Jury gasps. Dramatic music played

Judge: No... Not... His mother.

Again dramatic music.

Ed: Yes.... his mother.

Dramatic music for the final time.

Glori: Frank, stop doing that.

Frank: Sorry.

Ed: Where is she?

John: Over there.

Ed: Good. Mr. Clickman, don't you think you should help your mother?

John: Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

They go throught that swear to tell the truth thing again.

Ed: Now, Mrs. Clickman. Is your son a good boy?

Mrs. C: He's a good boy.

Ed: Would he kill somebody?

Mrs. C: He's a good boy.

Ed: Do you love him?

Mrs. C: He's a good boy.

Ed: How old are you exactly?

Mrs. C: He's a good boy.

Ed: Do you like chicken?

Mrs. C: He's a good boy.

Ed: Does she need her pills?

Mrs. C: He wouldn't kill anybody.

Ed: There we go. Do you love him?

Mrs. C: He wouldn't kill anybody.

Ed: Crap. Not this again. Do you love him?

Mrs. C: He wouldn't kill anybody.

Ed: Spam?

Mrs. C: He wouldn't kill anybody.

Ed: Wuzza hoo hoo. Spinkle dizten himer?

Mrs. C: He wouldn't kill anybody.

Ed: Do you love him?

Mrs. C: Yes. Very much so.

Ed: Really?

Mrs. C: Yes. Very much so.

Ed: Honest to God?

Mrs. C: Yes. Very much so.

Ed: Are you sure?

Mrs. C: Yes. Very much so.

Ed: Are you, like, 528 years old?

Mrs. C: Yes. Very much so.

Ed: No further questions.

Mrs. C: About 98.

Ed: Your witness Ms. Walters.

Glori to Ed: Bastard. (To judge) No questions.

Mrs. C: About 98.

Judge: Get her home or something.

Bailif exits with Mrs. Clickman and stays gone for rest of scene.

Mrs. C: About 98.

Judge: Shut up!

Ed: I call my next client.

Judge: What?

Ed: I mean... my next witness. Mr. Harry Palms, and his brother. They're siamese twins. Joined at the ass. This is quiet disturbing, so small children might want to turn away. Anybody with a weak stomach my also want to leave the room. That goes for you sonny Jim. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Hey, I'm getting up. Here I go. I'm standing. Look. I'm up. I'm here.... standing. Ma'am, I have to ask you to vacate your son from the premises. Seriously now. What's that? No? Oh that's it. I'm a coming down to get 'cha pe-unk. Here I come. I'm down the stairs. Walking towards ya, foo'. Sucka'. My van goes fast. I'll throw you helluva far.

Judge: Mr. McFleetwood.

Ed: What?

Judge: Return to your seat now, if not sooner.

Ed: Sue her? I wasn't going to sue her.

Judge: I said sooner.

Ed: Oh.

Ed returns to his seat

Judge: Time for lunch. I call an hour-long recess.

Ed: What about my witness?

Judge: Shut up.

End of scene 2

 

Scene 3

Bailiff: Rise.

Judge: Sit.

Ed: I'd like to call my next witness right away, before the milk spoils.

Judge: What does that mean?

Ed: I don't know. I heard it somewhere.

Judge: Oh. Bring on the next witness.

Ed: Yes your hinnieness. I call Mr. Mestophilese to the stand.

Glori: Who?

Ed: You know. Mephesto.

Jury#4: Beelzebub.

Old Lady: Lucipher.

Jury#3: El Diablo

Satan (Note: Satan has a strong lisp): The prince of darkness. Flamboient

Judge: The beast.

Glori: So what you’re trying to say is, the devil.

Ed: Right

Judge: Begin with the questioning.

Ed: Okie dokie. Mr. Lord of all that is evil...

Satan: Call me Earl.

Ed: Is that your true name?

Satan: Does it matter?

Ed: I guess not. Earl, where were you before man?

Satan: Heaven... for awhile.

Glori: Objection.

Judge: What is it?

Glori: What does that prove?

Ed: That my witness is reliable.

Satan: Yeah.

Ed: Now, does my client deserve to go to jail?

Satan: I don't believe in jails.

Ed (lisps): A simple yes or no will suffice.

Satan: Are you mocking me?

Ed: No. How dare you accuse me of such a thing!

Satan: Okay. Calm down. I'd have to say no.

Ed: Case closed. You may step down.

Judge: I'll be the judge of that.

Ed: Okay judge.

Judge: You want to ask any questions Ms. Walters?

Glori: Nah. Oh wait. How about...

Judge (cuts here off): Step down Mater of the occult... I mean, Earl.

Satan: Okay. It's been real nice being here.

Judge: I have to go to the bathroom. Recess 'til I'm done.

End scene 3

 

Scene 4

Bailiff: Stand up and raise your hands in the air.

John: If you tell us to wave 'em like we just don't care, I will kill you.

Judge: That's not a smart thing to say during your court case.

John: Why? I'm only being charged for attempted murder.

Judge: Just be quiet. Mr. McFleetwood, do you have anymore witnesses?

Ed: As a matter of fact, I do.

Judge: Are any of them relevant to the case?

Ed: No. Not really.

Judge: Let's just go with Ms. Walters' witnesses then.

Ed: Sure. Why not?

Glori: Before I start, I would like to point out a few problems. First, there are only four people in the jury. Second, I only got to ask one person questions, and third, I hate working with him. (Points to Mr. McFleetwood)

Ed: Hey. That's not nice. Besides, we're working against each other.

Glori: Sorry. My first witness is Mr. La Goof.

La Geuf: La Geuf.

Glori: Whatever.

Judge: Ms. Walters, I urge you to continue.

Glori: Urge? I've got the urge...

Judge (cuts her off): Don't start with that. I don't want anybody getting sued.

Ed: If you do, call me.

Glori: Or me. Are you going to the stand Mr. La Goof?

La Geuf: That's La...

Everybody: Whatever!

Do the truth thing. Do do, do do, do do, do do do.... ummm.. forget that.

Glori: Alright, Mr. La… whatever your name is, who tried to kill you?

La Geuf: It was Clickman over there.

Glori: I think we’ve heard enough.

Ed: Me too. Let’s get Harry and his brother out here.

Glori: I’m pretty sure I’ve already won the case, so why not?

Ed: Woo hoo!

Judge: You can step down La goof.

La Geuf: I hate you people.

Harry walks on stage: Hi everybody.

Everybody: Hi Dr….. We mean, Harry.

Harry: So what do you want to know?

Ed: Can I juggle?

Harry: No.

Ed: We’ll see about that. :Ed tries to juggles, but fails.: Damn.

Judge: Hold everything ‘til I have a drink of water.

Glori: Why?

Judge: I don’t know. Judges always drink water. :Has some water.: Continue with the case.

Glori: This is great and all, but I have some serious witnesses now. Those Prozak guys.

Ed: Milo and…. Umm…

John: Ottis?

Ed: No. Those are those gay guys.

John: Exactly.

Judge: They aren’t in Prozak.

John: Oh.

Glori: Whatever. Come on out you two.

Milo enters: My partner has died. I’m on my own.

Glori: Oh. Go away then. I liked the other guy better.

Milo: I’m so alone. :Leaves.

Judge: Are you people aware we are making a mockery of the whole justice system?

La Geuf: Do I win yet?

Judge: Shut up you. Nobody cares.

Ed: I have an idea. Let’s do another coin toss to see who wins.

Judge: Don’t be stupid.

Ed: You stink. I want to end this case.

Judge: Fine. One recess. Two closing arguments. Four jury votes. Then we can all go home.

Ed: Okay.

End of scene 4

 

Scene 5

Bailiff: You know the drill.

Everybody stands. Judge enters, and sits. He rummages through things: Talk amongst yourselves.

Ed: Hey Molly. Do you have to type everything that I say?

Molly: Yes I do.

Ed: Oh. Good. Read that back to me.

Molly: Oh. Good. Read that back to me.

Ed: Do you type what you’re saying?

Molly: Yes.

Ed: So you must be behind now.

Molly: I’m caught up.

Ed: Holy testicle Tuesday! You’re fast!

Judge: Stop bothering the stenographer.

Ed: Sorry.

Judge: Let’s just have the closing statements now. Ms. Walters can go first.

Glori: Alright. The simple matter is this jury; Mr. Clickman tried to viciously kill my client. Now we may not have much, if any, evidence, or too many witnesses, but come on. Look at that guy. He’s most definitely insane. Did you see who he got as a lawyer? Mr. McFleetwood was not provided for him. He hired the guy. With his own money!

Ed: Objection! I don’t get paid unless I win.

Judge: Strike that.

Glori hits Ed

Judge: Don’t strike him. Yeesh.

Glori: As I was saying, I try to practice law properly, but when this man comes into the courtroom everything is ruined. He botches up the law and misguides the people so much he ends up winning.

Ed: You’re just jealous.

Glori: Am not.

Ed: Are too.

Glori: Well you’re…. You’re a complete fool.

Ed: Not completely.

Glori: Fine. Half a fool.

Ed: Yeah? Well you stink.

Glori: You have the intelligence of a smashed rock.

Ed: You have fat feet.

Glori: I loathe you.

Ed: I love you.

The two start to make out.

Frank turns to Molly: I love you too.

Molly: I’ve always loved you.

Drum guy turns to old lady: I love you!

Old lady: Take me!

Judge: Stop this! You’re all out of order.

Ed: No. You’re out of order. This whole court’s out of order. The pop machine down the hall is out of order.

Judge: That may be, but what I’m trying to say is, SIT DOWN AND LET MS. WALTERS FINISH HER CLOSING ARGUMENT!!!

Ed: Oh. Okay.

Glori: I don’t really have much left to say. I should win. They should loose. Everyone goes home happy.

Ed: Not me.

John: Or me.

Glori: Everyone who counts goes home happy.

Judge: Great, but we still have one more closing argument to go.

Ed: And that would be mine.

Closing song. Lights go dark. Spotlight forms on Ed.

Ed: Mr. Clickman was born

From a very poor home

They had absolutely no wealth

They had to go out

Had to steal some bread

Just to keep up their health

Okay, so maybe that never happened

Maybe I made that part up

But the point I’m trying to make is

Please don’t throw his ass in jail

Spotlight off Ed.

John: That doesn’t rhyme.

Ed: That’s okay. I’m gonna’ sing it anyway.

You gotta’ take up the law now

Jury: Take up the law now

Everybody: Into your own hands

Ed: You don’t want to punish

Everyone: Don’t want to punish

Ed: An in-o-sent man

Jury: Take up the law now

Everyone: Take up the law now

Judge: Into your own hands

Ed: Show the public

John: Show them all

Ed: Where you-oo stand

Now if, you think, this guy should go free

Then heed, my advice, yes listen to meeeeeeeeee

Just take up the law now

Jury: Take up the law now

Ed: Into your own hands

No need to punish

Jury: No need to punish

Ed: This in-o-sent man

Maybe you’ll fall

Jury: We don’t want to fall

Ed: Well then you can stand

If you take up the law now

Jury: Take up the law now

Into our own hands

Ed: That’s it.

Jury: We’ll take up the law now

Molly: They’ll take up the law now

Jury: Ooo Ooo Ooo

He won’t go to jail

Glori: He won’t go to jail?

Jury: That’s what we’re gonna’ do

So he won’t drop the soap now

Frank: That’s pretty sick

Jury: Shooby dooby dooby dooby doo

When we take up the law now

Everyone: Take up the law now

Jury: Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo

Judge: So now, I thank, you-oo people

You jury, members, four

Yes I, respect, your decision

But now I think it’s time to exit through that door

Jury exits dancing, and singing: Take up the law now

Take up the law now

Ooo Ooo Ooo

Don’t send him to jail

Don’t send him to jail

Scooby dooby moo moo moo

Ed: And now that this play is over

And now the verdict’s passed

I have won another case

And you can kiss my… shoe.

Lights go out.

End scene

 

Scene 6

Two janitors are cleaning up the court

#1: Man that was stupid.

#2: Yeah. I really hated the ending.

#1: Oh. That dumb song?

#2: Take up the law. Take up the law. Poo poo poo.

#1: Yeah. And it stopped abruptly.

#2: I personally didn’t like the whole thing. I could see through the plot. The characters were weak. The entire play was shoddy.

#1: So we agree. This play reeked of talentless no-good hacks.

#2: Exactly. Two thumbs down.

#1: You want to go get a chocolate milk?

#2: Are you hitting on me?

End scene

Close curtain

End play

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