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The Wacky Misadventures of Loki and Jesus

Cast:

Loki: Norse god of mischief. Costume – Green shirt, yellow pants. A yellow hat with two small yellow horns.

Jesus: Christian Son of God. Costume – Tie dye shirt, and bellbottom pants. Long dreds and beard are needed, and some blue, round glasses. Akin to a hippy.

Buddha: A highly enlightened Indian spiritual leader. Costume – Big fat tummy. Some white pants and an open white shirt. Bald head.

Ku: Hawaiian god of war, power, and the sunrise. Costume – Hawaiian shirt, and shorts. Sandals. A big tiki mask as well.

Dionysus: Greek god of fertility, wine, agriculture, sexuality, blah blah blah. Costume – A toga, with a large lump in the crotch area. Crown of leaves.

Meretseger: Egyptian cobra goddess of punishment and mercy, and protector of the Valley of the Kings . Costume – Red dress. Big black boots. Egyptian eye make up. Goofy looking bracelets and those golden snake things you put on your arms.

 

SCENE 1:

The stage is completely empty, save for a lone character, with a spotlight shining on him. This character is LOKI.

Loki is standing centre stage, holding two twigs, and posed as if he were a tree. He stands tall and proud at first, but then begins to slum, as his arms grow weary. Finally Loki drops his arms to his sides altogether and looks directly at the audience.

Loki: Oh, what harshness faith hath beseeched upon me. Yay, how I doth query many a new moon in the pondering of mine own wretched existence. Why hasth I been forsaken, and cursed in such a manner as is? Nay mind the actuality that I hath done many a deeds not of sound mind or of sound body, but of an impish, malevolent nature, one of which’s control is not mine own. (As Loki’s speech continues he has stopped addressing the audience directly, and has began to wave his arms all about. Offstage footsteps begin to be heard, growing steadily louder as Loki speaks on.) But hark, what noise doth fall upon mine ears? ‘Tis the resonance of the ground being trodden by feet. Shall they be the feet of the mortal who wilst set me free? Only time may tell of this.

Loki stands tall, like a tree, nervously awaiting the maker of the foot steps. He glances in their direction, and sees somebody approach. Quickly he asserts himself back to his former position. JESUS enters, stage right. He walks calmly to centre stage and stands just in front, and to the left of Loki (Note: Not stage left, but the actual left for the actors. Golly, these things can be confusing.) Jesus surveys his surroundings and nods in approval. He stretches and yawns, looking somewhat tired.

Jesus: Time now, for a nice sit.

Jesus stretches once more and sits down, resting his back on Loki’s legs. Loki holds his position, but looks down at the man. One of Loki’s eyebrows raise. He then shifts his glance to the audience, neither accepting nor denying their existence.

Loki: I doth see by this one’s non- chalant manner that he is unaware of my plight. Mayhaps it would be wise of me to enlighten thine good sir to the situation at hand.

Jesus looks up at Loki. Jesus seems to be quite aware that Loki is simply standing there, holding two twigs.

Loki: But how mayst I let him know? What, perchance, wouldst be the appropriate manner for a task such as this? ‘Tis quite a quandary I art in today.

Jesus stands up and turns to Loki.

Jesus: What, exactly, are you talking about?

Loki is shocked. He coils back.

Loki: Thou doth envision me? What sayeth you to how?

Jesus: It’s not hard, man. You’re standing right there, holding two twigs.

Loki: Holding? Doth thou mean to say I art the originator of my own curse? That ‘tis nothing but a simple falsery? A ruse set before me to trick my mind into thinking that which has not happened has? Art thou saying my misfortune is not more than mine own foolish postulation?

Jesus: Pretty much so, yeah.

Loki: Well poop. All these years I hath though mineself to be a towering, wooden part of the flora. One does suppose I would hath missed out on the world today, wouldn’t one? Well, my new found companion, the two of us both shall take our discussions elsewhere. Let us expound our resplendence on a fortnight about the locale.

Jesus shrugs, looking completely indifferent.

Jesus: Okay.

Loki nods and proceeds to stroll, with Jesus following behind him.

 

SCENE 2:

A bar for god-like figures. There is a table and three chairs, situated stage right. Three gods are seated at this table drinking and laughing about whatever the heck they are talking about. These three are KU, BUDDHA, and DIONYSUS. In the back stage left there is another table. At it sits MERETSEGER. She looks lonely. There is one more table, front and centre, with two chairs.

Loki and Jesus enter stage left. Loki looks very pleased with the environment. He smiles and spreads his arms wide.

Loki: Ahhh… at last. A tavern where in an omnipotent entity such as mineself can repose the dire chains of my duties and have an unblemished recuperation.

Jesus: But you’re a god of mischief. You don’t have any work.

Loki becomes embittered and turns to Jesus.

Loki: What knowest thou, son of god? Thine art a divine oddity. Thou hast worshippers Midgard over. Mine own are few and far between. Yet, thou art fit for pain and suffering, without such accoutrements thoust body doth growth weary and frail. But thoust hath not had as such as of late, hast thee?

Jesus: I suppose not. But you’re still just a bad guy.

Loki: ‘Twas a misunderstanding. Mine own self is mysterious and complex. I, for one, shan’t begin a dialogue on it. Let us see if we might conjure up some ale.

Jesus: Sounds good to me, buddy. We’ll have some wine.

Loki: Thou shouldst be unerring to not attempt any of that, “Drink of mine blood.” rubbish. ‘Tis not the Ragnarok.

Jesus: You mean the Apocalypse.

Loki: I certainly doth not. The Apocalypse beith for ninnies. Now we shall take the burden off our feet.

Jesus: Yo.

Loki and Jesus sit at the one empty table. Loki looks around.

Loki: Hmm… Where beith thine serving wench?

Jesus: Don’t know. Maybe you should call for one.

Loki: ‘Tis a equitable gesture, for certain. Alas! Where is thine maiden of the brew?!?

Ku looks over at Loki, while Buddha, and Dionysus continue their conversation. He shakes his head and then turns back to the other two. Meretseger also looks over for a second then quickly turns away once she recognizes Loki. They once again begin their laughing about. After a short pause Jesus speaks.

Jesus: Guess no body’s coming. Maybe I should make some water come out of a rock, then turn it into wine.

Loki: Nay. There be not need for such a performance of one’s divine talent on this night. Hark, hark ye! Pay heed to mine words! Where beith thine woman of whom shalt bring me my ale? Curse this place and its anti-service!

As Loki is making this ruckus Ku looks over again. This time he seems upset. He rises from his seat, which causes Buddha and Dionysus to stop their talking and look over. Ku walks over to them and slams his hands down on the table.

Ku: Hey. You mind? Waitress will come if you ring bell. Don’t yell about it.

Ku stomps back to his table and sits down. Loki looks a little shocked, then gets aggravated.

Loki: How dare such a heathen as that doth tell me off as was done! I shant stand for it.

Jesus: Uh, I think you should just take it with a grain of salt buddy.

Loki: I doth not even knowth what that means.

Loki rises and walks over to Ku. Loki places his hand on Ku’s shoulder. Ku slowly turns his head towards Loki, then in a quick motion gets up and punches him in the stomach. Loki falls backwards and crashes into his table causing Jesus to get up and step back. Buddha and Dionysus try to hold Ku back.

Buddha: Come now, my friend. The path to enlightenment is filled with peace, not pain.

Dionysus: At least let’s go outside first, eh?

Jesus: Hey, come on. Loki here didn’t know what he was doing. He’s a little slow up there.

Loki stands up and rubs his tummy. He squints at Ku.

Loki: Thou art a worthy opponent it is to be sure. Me thinks though, that a more formidable course of action we shouldst take. Let us not settle our quarries not with a battle, but with a drink. One of which I, mineself, mighst purchase.

Ku: Ku sees. You back down. You are fearful.

Loki: ‘Tis not what I hath proclaimed. I unadornedly stated that we wouldst be better off companions than foes. ‘Tis all, ‘tis all.

Ku stands down, and his friends let go of him.

Ku: Ku understand. You not want to fight. That okay.

Ku turns around to sit back down and Loki runs up behind him, and hits Ku on the back of the head. This causes Loki to hurt his hand. Ku turns around and tosses Loki into Meretseger’s table. Loki is stunned, and Meretseger recoils. She looks down at him, and then he glances up at her. A shocked look comes over Loki’s face, as he realizes that he knows this female.

Loki: Meretseger? Doth… doth this be thou whom I envision?

Meretseger: Yes Loki. Yes, it is I.

Loki: Well, you be not more than but a decorous spectacle for mine organs of sight.

Meretseger: Ah, Loki… I had forgotten such things as you say. I had also forgotten the trouble you seem to enjoy to get yourself into.

Loki: ‘Tis not what I relish, my fair lady. ‘Tis not more thanst the customary deportment for one such as mineself. For when one doth wield a power supreme in comparison to such lesser beings, one can do not but expect such demeanour from the commonalty. ‘Tis not more than a matter of mere jealousy. Is this not true, thine violently tempered oaf?

Loki looks over at Ku and shakes his fist. Ku tosses a chair and begins to come towards Loki, but is again held back by Buddha and Dionysus. Loki turns back to Meretseger. Jesus has decided to sit at the original three’s table, and is enjoying their drinks.

Loki: But I refrain, for thee Meretseger art a vision of pure splendour to mine eyes. Thou art the most perfect engorgement of mirth… (As Loki speaks yet again Ku break free of his friend’s grasp and stomps over to Loki.) I hath ever the wonder to behold. The very light from yon sun doth pale in comparison to thou’s own extravagance. I see not but…

Ku grabs Loki’s foot and pulls him down off the table. Ku then kicks Loki in the side and tosses him over to his friends. Ku’s friends try to keep Loki from falling to the ground, thus injuring him further. Ku starts over to where Loki has landed, but is stopped by Meretseger.

Meretseger: I do not think it is a very wise idea to stop a man when he is in the middle of complimenting a woman.

Ku: Leave Ku. Don’t try to stop what you can’t.

Meretseger: I think you’ll find I can do a lot more than may appear. For example…

Meretseger bares her fangs, and proceeds to spit acid in Ku’s face. (or bite him depending on what effects you can handle) Ku throws his hands to his face and backs up.

Ku: What have you done, woman? Ku’s face burns!

Meretseger: I have just infected you with my deadly cobra venom.

Buddha: What a cruel fate befalls those who choose the violent path.

Dionysus: Oh, shut up, you fat ass. You know, I’ve never liked your peace loving ways… No wait. I love your peace loving ways… But there’s a time and place for violence, and now is it. Hit him again, Ku. Right in the face. Then maybe we can have a little party with the fanged chick.

Jesus: What’s that sticking out of your robe, man?

Dionysus looks down and sees a large lump, protruding from his crotch. He winks to the audience.

Jesus: Oh wait. I get it. This is juvenile humour. Dude.

Ku, who has been thrashing around on the floor, stops and stands. He wipes his face.

Ku: Ku will destroy you now, you devil-woman.

Meretseger: Not bloody likely.

Ku flips Meretseger’s table and then pushes her over. The others are shocked. Loki stands up, enraged.

Loki: How darest thou treat the most supple of creatures in such a manner! Now thou shalt feel my eternal wraith!

Buddha: Calm thyself, friend. Let me handle this.

Buddha walks over to Ku. Ku realises what he has done and is shamed.

Ku: I’m… I didn’t… It was an accident.

Buddha nods, then punches Ku squarely in the nose. Ku falls over backwards, and lays, spread out on the ground.

Jesus: Yeah, man.

Dionysus: Wow. I didn’t know you had it in you buddy. Why don’t you come over here, and give us a hug?

Buddha: As much as I would like to spread the love, I don’t think this is the appropriate time or place for that sort of thing.

Meretseger gets up and bows to Buddha.

Meretseger: Though I am fairly certain I did not need your assistance, I am grateful none-the-less.

Loki: Aye, I doth suppose ‘twas a good deed done. Although I hath wished mineself to act thou’s saviour.

Meretseger: You could not have defeated him. It would be like that one time you accidentally liked a frost giant’s leg, and got your tongue frozen to it.

Jesus: Now that’s what I call a sticky situation.

Everybody laughs, as the lights go out. End scene.