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I watch T.V. with them there chicks
You know it makes me hot
Read porno mags with the ditzy ditz
Who don’t like to wear bras
Late at night, nothing to do
So I watch porn on T.V.
Then I looked down to my pants
Found my hand where it shouldn’t be

It was doing’ the Masturbation Song
Everybody give yourself a hand
It’s the Masturbation Song
Doing’ it across the land
Oh baby Masturbation Song
When you’re all alone
Come on Masturbation Song
Just pick up the phone

I had a chance with a girl
Her name was Mary Sue
But this was another thing
That I think I blew
‘Cuz we started making’ out
But she said, “Not tonight”
Went to the bathroom, touched myself
And when she turned on the light

She caught me doing’ the Masturbation Song
You can do it with a friend
Masturbation Song
The fun doesn’t have to end
Masturbation Song
I think that it’s swell
Masturbation Song
Do it and you’re going’ to Hell
Oh well
Masturbation Song
And when you finally cum
Masturbation Song
Then I think you’re done